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Sometimes while growing, you become confident that the changes you've made have become permanent.... and then the Universe teaches you otherwise.
No matter how you choose to walk your path to soul, there are certain shared patterns that make them all valid. As long as you're striving to make yourself a better human, that's all anyone could hope for. It's easy to think once you've had theses breakthroughs, you can cross the lesson off of your list. Big healing doesn't mean those old feelings won't resurface. In fact, it can be quite opposite.
During this last full moon in Scorpio, I found myself in a funk that I hadn't seen since I started my journey. I was slightly depressed, felt unloveable and almost hopeless about my future. Many people close to me have attested to the amount of change they have witnessed, so why was I going backwards? Where was this all coming from? The thought that kept creeping in was,"what if I've done all of this work and in fact I haven't changed at all?" Easily, the faith I had changed and became proof that I wasn't worthy or deserving of love. I was now convinced my dreams of starting a business venture were foolish... I decided to find out what was happening astrologically, hoping that it would help alleviate these feelings that had bubbled up. Sure enough, it was the day before the Scorpio Full Moon (le sigh).
This past Scorpio moon was about releasing the old paradigms we so deeply held onto on a subconscious level. I was able to breathe a little better and decided to let it all flow out, no matter how uncomfortable. I needed to see how these insecurities had crept into so many parts of my mind and created self-doubt in the least suspecting places. I needed to acknowledge that I was indeed disappointed in how things had played out in past relationships but I also saw that it wasn't because I wasn't enough for those individuals. There were things I had to learn for myself: to not lose myself in my partner, to stand up for myself and most importantly to realize when people genuinely love me versus loving me for what they think I am. It had always confused me how quickly someone's "unconditional" love could change based on small things. For years, I feared that people would always reject me once they found out who I really was. I know Imposter Syndrome is something many of us suffer from.
Now a week later, I'm back to feeling lighter and optimistic about the future. When you've experienced ecstacy (no, not Molly) it can be so difficult to get back to your normal life and merge them together. Especially when those old behavioral triggers pull at your heart/mind strings. Don't shy away from them but observe them. Don't judge yourself so harshly; give compassion. These emotions have come up to teach you before you release them again. I heard somewhere that spiritual growth is like being born. You want to get out of the watery darkness but there are so many contractions before you take your first breath. Each contraction is allowing the canal to open wider though it doesn't feel that way while it's happening. Also, I've learned when things become difficult, you're about to go to a new level. You're ready for it, the universe knows better than all of us.
Let go and let flow!
